This is pretty great - not complaining is a virtue I really admire. I had a friend in college, he was an outdoorsy type, and did forest firefighting in the summers. When we went on long hikes, we'd all be griping towards the end about how cold it was, how tired we were, how we should have not forgotten to bring X Y and Z - except him. He'd just start singing or taking the lead, and then we'd realize that he's actually in the same situation as all of us, and he'd given one of his layers to someone or something. Not annoyingly chipper, but just not complaining and doing what is necessary.
What I noticed is that not griping not only drastically improves your mood, it also improves everyone else's mood.
There are two kinds of gripes - ones that can actually effect change, and ones that can't. The latter seems to be the useless majority of gripes for me. Especially self-pity complaints seem to be the most egregious.
Not complaining doesn't equate to being hard on yourself or being a rah-rah aggressive and stereotypically masculine human being. It's just that if you're in a situation, and you can't change anything, then complaining just makes you feel bad and makes the situation feel worse. It encourages you to put things off, to make them bigger and more difficult than they seem.
And if you actually can change the situation you're in, then power to you, but go ahead and do something about it rather than /just/ complaining. Or maybe complain /to/ someone who can and will change things.
I think the outdoors can be a great teacher - I know it has been for me about things like this.
Many years ago a friend and I went to Yosemite to do a climb on Half Dome. Day one we were humping up to Little Yosemite Valley. It was a hot day and we were starting to grouse about the heat and elevation gain. As we rounded a switchback we were greeted by an enthusiastic "Good morning. Beautiful day isn't it!". Our greeter was wearing an enormous pack and was navigating the trail with crutches and leg braces. After chatting a bit, we carried on and vowed to not complain for the rest of the trip. Day 3 we were heading down to the Valley after completing the climb on the mist trail. It was a high snowpack year and the falls were thundering and true to the trail's name, blowing mist everywhere. We stripped down to shorts and no shirts and were reveling in the feeling of the mist and sun when we encountered a couple heading up the trail. They were in full boating rain gear and as we passed them I heard one say in a weepy voice "this is so horrible!".
The lesson that stuck with me from that weekend: your conditions do not necessarily determine your experience.
True story time! When I was in my early twenties, I went through a bad breakup. I was profoundly unhappy, and, even before the breakup, had a pretty negative opinion of, well, everything. My nickname when I was in high school was The Cynic. I got that nickname from my teachers.
The break-up forced me to do a bunch of soul searching. I was talking to a friend at the time, and she told me (in a kind way) that she thought of me as a sarcastic, negative person. I was always looking for something bad to say about the situation.
That wasn't ever how I wanted to appear to people, and I resolved to fix it. I didn't know how to change my actual personality, so I came up with a simpler rule: I just wouldn't vocalize negativity. Instead of opening my mouth and saying something bitter or cynical, I'd keep it shut.
The next couple of weeks were actually pretty rough. All of my normal conversational habits got broken and I ended up in a lot more awkward silences.
Then a funny thing happened. Those awkward moments incentivized me to start coming up with positive things to say. I really wanted to be able to hold normal conversations again, so I needed to build up a stock of good observations to fill those silences with. So, throughout the day, I found myself looking for good observations I could use later.
And, lo and behold, once I started looking for the good in the world, I found it damn near everywhere. And once I started realizing how much good there was all around me, I started feeling better. Then I discovered people around me started feeling better too, because now I was someone who brightened their day instead of souring it.
Of course, I'm not saying I never complain. Sometimes when you're suffering, the most important thing to do is to let people know. And being more positive is a lot easier for me because I've had a pretty amazingly lucky life so far.
But this has had a huge long term impact on my quality of life and to some degree the lives of those around me. And all I really did was stop complaining.
I see a lot of people taking interest in this idea. For a more nuanced and holistic approach to "not worrying about things you cannot change," I would check out Stoicism:
The best intro book, in my opinion, is William B Irvine's "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy".
The main problem I find with simply "Stop Complaining," is how do you do it? What should you and should you not stop complaining about? Do you shut out your feelings about the offending topic, or do you internalize the annoyance and move on? These questions are generally addressed by the Stoics, but I can easily see someone trying to just stop complaining and getting frustrated.
For people interested in Stoicism, I can recommend the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. There are a couple of very accessible English translations (the original text must be in Latin). The book is basically a collection of many thoughts that are roughly one sentence to a page long and self-contained. So you can read it any way you like, in any order. There are some really inspiring thoughts in the book, though some of them might be difficult to relate to since things have changed quite a bit in almost 2000 years.
I'm actually going through this book right now, and I like it a lot. Sometimes you need to dig a bit deeper and cross-confirm with examples from your life to get something meaningful out of it. I can't agree with everything the stoics thought, especially Marcus Aurelius was sometimes contradictory in his own beliefs, and also with the actual stoics - sometimes he leaned epicurean. In any case though, it's difficult to not agree with his very sound observations of humans and human nature that continues to be valid today.
I also picked this book up once before, the project gutenberg version, and I stopped reading after a chapter, because the language was kind of impenetrable and I found myself spending more time decoding what was being conveyed than actually thinking. Then I found the Hays translation (with the red raven on the cover), and I love it now. He prefers clean prose over conveying the original verbiage, which can be convoluted. Of course, there is a certain amount of interpretation in the hands of the translator that comes with that, but I don't think it's enough of a big deal in this case. If you really think this impacts the meaning, you can reread passages in another edition simultaneously. I recommend it, it's not as expensive, and it's a dollar if you get it used.
Alternatively, you could take an existentialist approach.
Considering the meaningless, absurd, chaotic nature of the vast universe, is it really worth it to get all worked up over someone stepping on your toes?
Marcus Aurelius isn't that far from that point of view, at times. Many passages in Meditations can be paraphrased as: "In the blink of an eye you and all your enemies will be dead, and cease to exist. You will be dust, and your petty struggles forgotten. Why dwell on things that don't matter, and that make you unhappy?"
I dug into this for personal reasons some time back, and the thing that stuck with me to this day was the act of consciously looking at the aggregations in my life and trying to identify their cause. It made me consciously empathetic to others, and helped me identify the things I could actually change in my life.
I did something like this once. I can't say as it made any difference, to be honest, and I can't really recommend it. This is what I wrote after the turn was done:
Finally, some of you may remember that late last year I pledged to disavow online negativity until the end of 2013. I would like to say I was successful in that, but in truth I did slip up on IRC a time or two, for which I apologized to those present. A promise is a promise though, and so I must confess that in the end, the experiment was kind of a failure. What I learned is that real life is not as simple as just trying to 'turn off' the negativity, and that shutting down the valve when the tank is already at pressure is not the best idea. Mostly what I've felt since I realized my self-imposed ban was over was relief. I've learned that expressing negative emotion is as important as expressing positive emotion, it's just a question of how, when, and to whom. So perhaps the real lesson is just learning a bit of self-control and understanding context, and the difference between healthy release and just meanness. Hopefully I know that a little better now. Time will tell.
I find the second part the hardest. I suspect that another might find the first the hardest. Which one probably reveals something fundamental about our character. :)
That said, I find it hard to hold on to a negative thought ("don't do X, don't think Y"), so I decided to apply the reverse: I'm going to be happy about the amazing things I have access to in February.
I mean, think about it. Running water! Isn't that amazing?
And think about wifi on airplanes. In the air! Flying! Chatroulette on air! Even on economy class!
I wonder how those "find local girls" advertisements appear when you're on a plane. Or tinder.
I love it when people do things like this, and always try to point out the cool things we take for granted, living in the USA in 2015 (or wherever anyone else may be where you have access to HN). Every time someone plays Spotify on their phone through a portable bluetooth speaker, I geek out a little imagining all the steps necessary to make such a seemingly minor thing happen.
I like this. I try to complain minimally, but I've shared this with some friends and we're going to do it together. I want to take my minimal complaining down to zero. It's just a bad habit that I think has no benefit.
I try not to complain because who cares? All it does it make me dwell on whatever is upsetting me, and no one around you wants to hear it, even if they're courteous and listen. If I'm having a bad day, why would I make my friend's day worse by having to listen to me vent about it? Who wants to swipe through Facebook and read about my neighbor's crying baby? Instead I'll put on some headphones and post a link to whichever album I'm listening to in order to cover it up.
Venting is called venting for a reason. There is no "secret sauce" to stopping, but there do exist plenty of techniques for stress management that aren't venting. "Simply stop complaining" can even be a more dangerous coping mechanism than unrestrained venting.
Edit: Maybe I wasn't very clear - I'm not saying venting is a good idea, I'm fairly sure it's considered maladaptive coping (but don't care to look that up this early in the morning). I'm trying to express that it's still a coping mechanism and "simply stop complaining" is wholly inadequacy advice to someone who doesn't have a strong coping strategy in their life.
Yes, it's comes from something called the "hydraulic theory of emotions". The idea is that we have a fixed amount of emotion "stuff" and if we don't let it out, it gets "bottled up" and we keep experiencing it.
My understanding is that psychological research hasn't found any evidence that this model is true and in fact most studies I've seen show evidence of the oppposite: that letting negative emotions "out" actually reinforces them.
A more intuitive counter-argument is that no one seems to positive a hydraulic theory of positive emotions. You don't hear anyone saying, "Don't share your joy or you won't have any left!"
[citation needed]. It is a myth that one need or even should "let go" of their negative emotions. Instead, that reinforces the propensity to feel that emotion more strongly the next time. Rad "Emotional intelligence" (1st chapter IIRC) by Goleman for a better explanation and scientific references.
This website doesn't deny that. They're merely asking you to try under-doing it instead of over-doing it:
> Complaining is great. We all need to vent from time to time. But many of us also overdo it. Sometimes. In this month, you can see life from a more positive side – and learn about yourself, one complaint at a time.
This website doesn't deny that. They're merely asking you to try under-doing it instead of over-doing it:
The website is an exercise of "everything in moderate" pablum. It doesn't say that because it doesn't actually say anything. It appears the author wants to temper their own reactions to stress - which is great - but has extrapolated from themselves to everybody.
As a Canadian, it would be socially unacceptable not to complain about the weather in February. It is a common topic of small talk. Less so in the summer, as the common retort to weather complaints is that "at least it isn't snowing".
The example of rain is given, and I wouldn't be complaining about rain. I just got back from London (UK, not Ontario), where locals couldn't seem to understand that I wasn't being polite, that I genuinely enjoyed their weather compared to home. Being able to walk somewhere for 10 minutes without any exposed skin becoming numb in late January was lovely.
With one kvetch (last for this Feb?): "the missed bus, the rainy weekend, the crying baby next door" are small and current annoyances - and I have no trouble not complaining about them. But when it comes to missed life opportunities, wrong life choices (and anything having many-year long profound and irreversible effect on one's life) or about things broken with the world - it's much harder (at least - for me).
The thing is, where do we draw the line in "things we cannot change"? Are we supposed to stop complaining about design decisions of some software? About corrupt politics? The noisy neighbour?
Here's some guidelines to know if you should complain:
- If you heard someone else complaining about this, would it make you feel good?
- Will anyone else care?
- Does this need to be said? By me? Right now?
- Is this complaint creating positive change?
- Can I rephrase my complaint to address the issue positively?
Ideally, none of the things you listed should be complained about. Just stating your annoyance at a situation doesn't do anyone any good, and it's likely everyone else already knows about it, or doesn't care. Instead, try to address the problem at hand with a solution, or accept that you can't address it and move on.
Based on those guidelines, people wouldn't complain at all except few cases of complaining directly to the source of the subject at hand. It feels to me like something between promoting apathy and this: http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck
Most of the examples of complaints I can think of are situations we want to change but don't know how to, or don't want to face, or can't. So complaining becomes a really useless negative activity; in many ways it's counter-productive.
I've become an opponent of the phrase and mentality of "not giving a fuck". I would rather give a fuck, in a kind, compassionate way.
And yes, I think most people shouldn't complain, but if there is a complaint, it should definitely be to the source of the subject. Complaining to others is avoidance behavior. "Venting" can be useful sometimes, but without analyzing what the problem is, why it made you upset and how you can address it positively, it's useless.
And i'm definitely not promoting apathy. I'm promoting addressing and resolving conflict. Complaints tend to not be compassionate, caring or empathetic. We should be more of all of that.
You people are smothering me with your cheeriness and positive thinking. Some of us LIKE to complain about things we can't change. Get a sense of humor.
I enjoy complaining. It's one of my favorite hobbies. I don't know why everyone has to be so negative about it... People should just join in on the fun!
I too, for example, love complaining, but I try not to do it at least for the reason that I never had a moment where I enjoyed hearing someone complain and I assume everyone feels the same way about others' complaints.
The funny thing about venting is that it doesn't work; in fact, research indicates that it makes you more aggressive over time. The pseudo psychologist in me suspects that by venting, you're reliving the event, and reviving those emotions, but in such a manner that you're forcing yourself down the rabbit hole, since when you vent, it's from your perspective. When it comes to things you can't change, you simply have to accept them and move on. Why would you waste emotional (and by extent physical) energy on these things?
I agree that venting is probably about re-enacting the event, but with a particular purpose: to change the past. By addressing your complaints to an invisible mute adversary, you get to tell off the subject of your ire and feel confident that they can't fight back, and validate your own feelings.
The closest thing I could relate it to is domestic violence. When a man comes home from a frustrating day of work and beats his wife and kids, he's not just fulfilling a sadistic desire. He's projecting his work troubles on his family, and by assaulting them, righting the perceived wrongs he suffered. Venting is, imho, a version of this, but without the intent to harm.
Yes, I think I can agree with the idea the goal is to change the past. However, this just further leads you down the rabbit hole, since now in addition to being angry about the event, you're also angry about your inability to change it.
What, if a company gives me a faulty product and won't repair it or refund it I can't complain to them? If Congress/Parliament does something absurd we can't contact our MPs/Congressmen?
It's a nice idea, but I don't think this will fly.
I don’t want to write out rules or codify behavior with this, so I never wrote this out, but: of course you can still critique things.
I’m a designer, my work consists of giving people critique and telling them what’s wrong with their work, and how to make it better. I couldn’t survive half a day without this.
What this month is about, for me, is getting rid of useless negativity in my life. And that comes from complaining, to a large degree. If you want to tell your congrassman he’s wrong, go for it. If you want to call a company and ask them to repair your product, do it. But stop complaining to your colleagues about the rainy Saturday, and instead tell them about the sunny Sunday that you shared with your friends.
I found that the benefits – a more well-moderated use of complaining in everyday life – stay with me all year, so I do it steadfast for one month and then am a bit less aware, and probably a bit more lax overall, about my complaining.
The point is focus. Yes you can/should complain when a situation arises. But a lot of people (myself included some times) seek out things to complain about. It's like a disease. If you find yourself primarily reading the HN stories that make you angry, or if you always go to the coffee shop when it is most busy... stop it.
What I noticed is that not griping not only drastically improves your mood, it also improves everyone else's mood.
There are two kinds of gripes - ones that can actually effect change, and ones that can't. The latter seems to be the useless majority of gripes for me. Especially self-pity complaints seem to be the most egregious.
Not complaining doesn't equate to being hard on yourself or being a rah-rah aggressive and stereotypically masculine human being. It's just that if you're in a situation, and you can't change anything, then complaining just makes you feel bad and makes the situation feel worse. It encourages you to put things off, to make them bigger and more difficult than they seem.
And if you actually can change the situation you're in, then power to you, but go ahead and do something about it rather than /just/ complaining. Or maybe complain /to/ someone who can and will change things.